THIS IS WHAT LA FEELS LIKE.

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LA is 100 degrees. It’s a serious inferno. I put on sunscreen before I walk around the block. (Yes, I still have a little bit of San Francisco in me, so I’m still doing things like walking around the block). I’ve gotten a headache every single day since I’ve lived here. (4 weeks). Literally. Every day. I’ve also been drinking more water than I ever have in my whole life, so THIS IS MADNESS & I NEED AN EXPLANATION SO MY BRAIN STOPS SAYING “TUMOR.”

 

I have an internship right now, which I seriously adore. Like, sometimes I work 4 days a week. Sometimes I volunteer to work on the weekends. One day I worked 10 hours. I stayed till 6 on a Friday. They don’t pay me and I don’t care because that’s how much I love it.

But then when I’m not in the office, I’m like, money would be cool.

 

Today, I set out to go to the coffee shop in my ‘hood. It’s cute. The girl who works there is the first person I talked to after moving to LA. She’s nice. They don’t have a/c which is one TERRIBLE downside of LA. Like, even people who are doing way better than I am, don’t have a/c in their homes. HOW DO THEY LIVE?

I have a/c in my home, so as far as I’m concerned, that’s the definition of “making it” in LA.

 

I woke up today, drank an entire bottle of water in 3.5 seconds and ate breakfast in front of my air conditioner. I got a nice email from my office thanking me for all my hard work. Then my bf, cat & I did yoga as a family, and when we were done, I was ready to NAMASTE the shit out of this day.

 

My phone stopped working the other day. It just says “No Service,” so I can only use it on Wifi. After spending 45 minutes on the phone with a hilarious woman at AT&T customer service yesterday, I found out that my phone wouldn’t come back to life until I replaced the SIM card. So today, that was my first goal.

AT&T is conveniently located a couple blocks down from my cute little coffee shop. So I’ll hit AT&T, hit the coffee shop, get some work done, feel good about the day, BOOM.

I walk out of my apartment and, like I said, it’s 100 degrees. But that’s fine, because in SF I missed the sun and LA is in no short supply of sun. (Water, yes. Send us ALL the water).

 

It’s a bright, beautiful day.

So bright and beautiful in fact, that when I walked out front, I had a perfectly clear view of the flat tire on my car. Cool.

I walked around to the other side to check all the angles, and the other tire was flat too. Both front tires, totally flat. Now, I’m not one to go around blaming people, but….

SOMEONE TOTALLY FUCKED WITH MY CAR. RIGHT? RIGHT?!?! BOTH THE FRONT TIRES!?!

 

OK, maybe not. Maybe I really did hit something. Maybe I really did roll over two rogue pieces of glass that were perfectly spaced two tire-width apart. And maybe it doesn’t even matter that the car that was parked there right before mine belonged to my boyfriend and his car is perfectly fine. Maybe I’m just that good. Maybe a pile of glass shards were sitting there, just WAITING to be discovered, and I made their dreams come true in one fell swoop.

Fine. This is all fine. I’ll just hit AT&T, hit the coffee shop, get some work done, look up my AAA info, find a tire place, tow my car, feel good about the day, BOOM.

 

I walk into AT&T and explain the sitch, to which she replies, “SIM card? No problem.” We open my phone guts, put a new SIM card in, she activates it, I turn on my phone – nothin’… to which she replies, “Oh, it must be the phone.” I said, “Can a physical phone issue affect the service?” To which she replies, “Ohhh, definitely.”

(I’m still not sold on her “Definitely.”)

I ask her if I’m eligible for an upgrade? Of course she says no. “Not until December.”

Now I can’t just up and buy a brand new iPhone, because of the whole having two flat tires and zero jobs thing. So I ask her what the cheapest phone is and she said, “$54 flip phone.” First of all, AINT NO FLIP PHONE IS WORTH $54. Second of all, I’m not gonna add two more years to my contract for a mothaflippin’ phone. (I’ll be here all week).

The good news is that I just moved here and still have no idea where I’m going and have to drive 45 minutes on the highway for work on Saturday, and I told my boyfriend that his GPS device was outdated because iPhones exist, so we didn’t bring that piece of dinosaur equipment with us on the move. So now on Saturday, I’ll get to step even further back in time with a PAPER ROAD MAP.

Ok, the actual good news is that another AT&T lady dug out a TWENTY DOLLAR phone from an abandoned drawer that everyone forgot about. So, I might be rockin’ that shit till Christmas. But before I committed to that, I wanted to get a second opinion. (APPLE, does this story check out?! Is my phone REALLY the problem and how do I make that problem goooo awaaaayy?)

No big deal. I’ll just hit the coffee shop, get some work done, look up my AAA info, find a tire place, find an Apple store, tow my car, fix my phone (or go back and buy a $20 crap phone), feel good about the day, BOOM.

IT’SFINEEVERYTHINGISFINE. MYBIRTHDAYISINAWEEK&ALLIWANTISMONEY.

 

I walk a few blocks over to the coffee shop and it’s closed.

HAHAHAH the end.

No offense to the 3 people I know who celebrate Columbus Day, but I don’t think coffee needs to close for Columbus. Like, the offices I work at are open. The banks are open. Just…settle down, coffee.

When I got home, I ended up skipping coffee and instead having a Summer Shandy (1/2 beer, 1/2 lemonade – LIFE CHANGING) and now I think I’ll take a nap, because some days it’s just better not to leave the house.

 

ADDENDUM: MY TIRES DID GET SLASHED & I HATE EVERYONE.

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